HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND
Muhammad Speaks Newspaper
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Detroit, MI 48244
Phone: 313-371-7033
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HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND
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“A wife’s mind should be to console her husband’s mind. ”
“She is to do something in the way of making you feel good to go out
tomorrow to work. Otherwise, man is outside looking for peace of mind.”
“No man wants a woman home arguing with him. ”
“Be civilized in asking and telling. ”
“Woman must always submit and recognize man as the head.”
“The worst hell is an icy spirit between husband and wife in a home where
there is no peace, no love. ”
“As long as she followed this Divine Law, everything she laid her hands
to, He made it prosper”
Words of Messenger Elijah Muhammad
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COMFORT HIM
The burdens of life weigh heavily upon the shoulders of men since they
are responsible for maintaining and supporting their families. In
fulfilling this responsibility, the man of the household must confront
many problems and obstacles outside of the home. Some of these problems
may be the pressures of work, the hassles of traffic and commuting from
work to home, concerns over the issues of the day, and the pressures of
trying to improve the living conditions of his family. The amount of
pressure upon a responsible man is enormous. It is no wonder that the
average lifespan of a man is less than the woman.
In order for the husband to be able to cope with the burdens of life it
is necessary to have someone to listen to and sympathize with him. He may
feel alone and in need of finding refuge and comfort amidst these
pressures. It is natural that the man looks towards his wife and family
as a source of comfort and relief. Therefore, anticipate his expectations
and needs. Be cordial and warm when he first returns home after working
and have refreshments or let him feel that you are at his disposal to
care for his needs. Try not to overwhelm him with criticizing him the
minute you see him. Let him rest and recover his strength before putting
up the demands of the family’s personal issues.
When your husband comes home, have a smile and a warm greeting for him.
Attend to his physical needs of fatigue, hunger, and thirst. Then ask him
about his problems. If he is willing to talk, be a good listener and
sympathize with him. Try to express your genuine concern and then help
him realize that the problems are not as impossible and huge as might
think. Give him encouragements of support to help him cope with the
issues. You can say something like this: These problems are being faced
by many people. With a strong will-power and patience, it is possible to
overcome the difficulties as long as one does not let the problems get
the better of you. These problems, as a matter of fact, are tests as well
as builders of the true character of a person. Do not despair. You can
solve them through determination and perseverance.
At times of difficulty, your husband is in need of your attention and
love. You should come to his aid and nurse him. Do not underestimate your
ability to soothe and strengthen him. There is no one more devoted and
concerned over your husband’s well-being other than yourself. He would be
able to draw strength from your devotions to him and cope with his
problems which will relieve his emotional and mental pressures.
Consequently, the mutual bond of respect and love would also be greater
which can only lead towards strengthening your marital relationship.
APPRECIATE HIM
Your husband, like everyone else, enjoys being appreciated. He is willing
to support his family and regards it as a moral and lawful obligation.
When he is thanked and appreciated for doing his duty, those duties no
longer seem to be a burden.
Whenever he buys home appliances or something like clothes and shoes for
you and the children, be happy and thank him. Show your gratitude for the
trivial things he does such as buying groceries, taking the family on
trips and gives you your allowance. By showing your appreciation, you
will make your husband feel good and rewarded for the trouble he has
taken. Be careful that you do not take his duties for granted and become
indifferent towards his contributions to the family. He may become
disheartened about the welfare of the family. He may prefer to spend his
money elsewhere or on himself.
If a friend or relative presented you with a pair of stockings or a bunch
of flowers, you would thank them repeatedly. So it is only natural and
fair to show appreciation to your husband for his consideration and
thoughtfulness. Do not think that you would be belittling yourself by
demonstrating your appreciation. On the contrary, you would be loved and
cared for more because you appreciate the efforts of your husband whereas
snobbism and selfishness can only lead towards great misfortunes.
FORGIVE HIM
A husband and a wife need to be able to forgive each other. If the
members of a family are unforgiving and pursue each other’s mistakes,
then either the family will separate or they will experience an
unbearable life.
Your husband probably makes mistakes. He may insult you, abuse you, tell
lies, he might even hit you. Such acts might be committed by any man. If
your husband, after making a mistake, regrets it or you feel he is
regretful himself for his misconduct, then forgive him and do not pursue
the matter. If he is regretful but not prepared to express his apologies,
then do not try to prove his mistake. Otherwise, he might feel humiliated
and he may retaliate by picking out your mistakes and consequently start
a on-going battle of unforgiveness. So it is better for you to remain
silent until he condemns himself from his conscience and starts to feel
remorse about it. He would then regard you as wise and devoted wife who
is interested in her husband and family.
RESPECT HIM
Your husband is in contact with many people during the day while away
from home. Some may be impolite and insulting to him. As his wife, he
expects you to show respect and encouragement at home and thereby boost
his trampled ego. When he comes home, greet him with a smile and a happy
expression.
To honor and respect your husband does not belittle you, but it provides
energy and inclination to struggle to make a better life. Be courteous
and polite when you are talking to him and do not shout at him. Do not
interrupt him when he is talking. Praise him in front of others. Make
your children respect him and chastise them if they are discourteous
towards him. Be respectful of him in front of guests and be attentive to
his needs, as well as the guests. This small act of happiness has such an
effect that it refreshes the man’s tired spirits.
Be careful not to humiliate him, do not talk to him harshly, do not abuse
him, do not be inattentive to him, and do not call him by any obscene
titles. If you offend him, he, in turn, will insult you. Eventually, the
spirit of love and trust will erode. Consequently, you will have constant
quarrels and arguments which may lead to a divorce.
BE CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL
It is customary with most women that whenever they go to a party or a
gathering, they wear their best dresses and adorn themselves with the
best. However, upon returning home, they take their dresses off and put
on an old and shabby dress. These women are not particular about
cleanliness at home and do not beautify themselves. They walk around the
house with disheveled hair, stained clothes, and torn socks. In fact, the
situation must almost be reverse, that is, a woman should adorn herself
at home and charm her husband in order to conquer his heart and in order
not to leave any gap for other women to fill.
Winning the heart of a man, especially for a long time, is not easy. Do
not think: “He loves me. I don’t need to look beautiful for him or try to
win his heart or entice him.” You must always maintain his love towards
yourself. Be sure that your husband would enjoy having a tidy beautiful,
and clean wife, even though he may not express it. If you do not satisfy
his inner desires and do not dress attractively at home, he may see
beautiful and attractive women out of the house. He may then become
disheartened in you and might deviate from the right path. When he sees
attractive women, he compares you with them. If you are an untidy,
careless, and disheveled woman, do you think he will be attracted to you?
So try to look attractive at home and be sure that he will not lose
interest in you.
THINK OF NO OTHER MAN
Do not think of any men except your husband and find peace with him. If
you do otherwise you will place yourself in a strained condition. Now
that you have agreed to live with your husband, why should you be
constantly noticing other man? Why should you compare him with others?
What do you achieve by looking at other men except putting yourself in a
permanently miserable state and cause mental anguish for yourself? Do not
make compliments for other men. Do not think of any man other than your
husband. Do not think to yourself: ”I wish I had married so and so;”
”I wish my husband looked like…;” ”I wish my husband’s job was…;”
”I wish…,” “I wish…” “I wish…” Why should you imprison yourself
with these thoughts? Why should you upset the foundations of your
marriage? If any of those wishes had come true, how would you know that
you would have been more satisfied? Are you sure that the wives of those
so-called “faultless” men are satisfied with them? If your husband
suspects that you show interest in other men, he would be disheartened
and would lose interest in you. You must not cut jokes with other men or
keep company with them. Men are so sensitive that they cannot even
tolerate their wives to show an interest in a picture of another man.
BE WISE IN DEALING WITH IN-LAWS
One of the problems of family life is the one cause between the wife and
her husband’s relatives. Some women do not have a good relationship with
their husband’s mother, sisters, or brothers. On the one hand the wife
may try to dominate her husband so that he would not be able to pay any
attention even to his mother, or any other relatives and she may try to
sow discord between them. On the other hand, her mother-in-law regards
herself as the owner of her son and daughter-in-law. The mother tries
hard to hold on to her son and is watchful that the new woman does not
try to possess him fully. She may fabricate lies about her
daughter-in-law or find fault in her. Such an attitude might be followed
by many arguments and even occasional hostilities. The situation becomes
even worse if they all live in the same house. Even though a problem
may occur between two women, the real anguish and distress remains with
the man in the middle.
The husband is trapped in an argument where he cannot take sides. On the
one hand is his wife who would like to have an independent life without
any interference from outsiders. He naturally feels that he must support
her and make her happy. But on the other hand, he thinks of his parents
who have helped him with his life, education, and have spent their own
lives in bringing him up. He feels that his parents expect him to help
them in their times of need and that it would not be fair to abandon
them. Besides, if he himself was in need of something, who else, other
than his parents, would help him and his family. As a result, he realizes
that his best and most trustworthy friends are his parents and relatives.
So, the dilemma for a sensible man is either to choose the wife and
abandon the parents or vice versa; but neither of these is possible.
Consequently, he has to cope with both sides and keep them satisfied
which, itself, is a difficult task. The only possible way to ease the
situation is that the wife should be loyal and wise. A man in this
situation expects his wife to help solve the problem.
If the wife respects her mother-in-law, seeks advice from her, and
becomes obedient and friendly with her, then the mother-in-law will be
her greatest supporter .
For the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well
as to find many good friends and supporters, put up with your husband’s
relatives. Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your
husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted
by both Allah and the people.
DON’T LOOK FOR SHORTCOMINGS
It is the hope of every man and woman to find a spouse who is perfect but
such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards
her husband as perfect.
Those women who are in search of faults in their husbands will
undoubtedly find them. They would find a trivial shortcoming and
exaggerate it by harping on the matter to the point that it becomes an
unbearable impediment. This defect then replaces all the merits of the
husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have
established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards
do not fit in their husbands. Therefore, they are always complaining
about the shortcomings in their marriage. The women regard themselves as
unfortunates and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women.
What does such behaviour in a woman do to her husband? He may be a very
patient person who can tolerate he rudeness but most likely he will
become insulted and develop a grudge against her. This would likely lead
towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each
other. They will both become contemptuous of each other and their life
will turn into a series of arguments. Thus, they will either live in
misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose,
especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove
otherwise.
Your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may
have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family
then do not set out to find his weaknesses. Do not regard his small
defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have
established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband
which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men
may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be satisfied with
his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his
faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are
imperfect yourself.
Be wise? Stop being frivolous! Ignore the faults and do not mention them
in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in
your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah. However, there may be flaws
in your husband’s character which you may be able to correct. If so, then
you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience. You
must not criticize him, but approach him in a friendly manner.
The task of a wife is to maintain and take care of a husband. It is not
an easy undertaking. Those women who are unaware of this feature of their
role, may find difficulty in fulfilling the task. It is a job for the
woman who is aware that the job requires a degree of sagacity, style, and
ingenuity. For a woman to be a successful wife, she should win over her
husband’s heart and be a source of comfort to him. She should encourage
him to do good deeds while dissuading him from bad ones. She should also
provide adequate measures to maintain his health and well-being. The
results of her efforts are directed towards making the man into a kind
and respected husband who would be a proper guardian for his family, and
a good father from whom the children would seek guidance and respect.
Allah, the All-Knowing has endowed woman with extraordinary power. The
prosperity and happiness as well as the misery of the family are in her
hands.
DON’T BE SUSPICIOUS
It is not wrong if a woman is watchful of her husband, but only if it
does not exceed to a state of suspicion and mistrust.
A woman of suspicion imagines that her husband is, disloyal to her. She
suspects him of having an affair with another woman. She loses trust in
him because he comes home late or he was seen talking to a woman. If he
helps a widow and her children, the wife may think that he has an
interest in her, other than a charitable one. If any woman gives her
husband a compliment, saying that he is handsome or well-mannered, she
concludes that he is interested in that woman. Upon finding a strand of
hair in his car, she thinks there is another woman in his life.
Such women with these thoughts and inconclusive proof gradually assume
certainty regarding their husbands’ unfaithfulness. They think about it
every day and night. They also tell others, friends and foes about it,
who, in the name of sympathy, reinforce the allegations and in turn tell
the concerned women about other unfaithful men.
Arguments result. Then the woman begins to ignore the affairs of the
house and the children and might even go to her parents. She would
monitor him and search his pockets. She would read his letters and would
explain any trivial matter as due to his unfaithfulness.
With this attitude, she would make the family’s life hard and turn the
house into a burning hell in which she would also suffer. If her husband
brought proof of his innocence, or swore that he had not been committing
any thing wrong, she would not be satisfied. The family atmosphere
changes into an environment of pessimism, suspicion, and constant
arguing. The children would suffer and the mental effects are grave.
HELP HIM AVOID PITFALLS
Wise and experienced men know both their friends and their foes. However,
there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would
easily be influenced by others.
There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men.
The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doer, traps the man and
draws him towards corruption. The simple man may not realize his
situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in
a trap from which there is not any escape.
If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people.
Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but
through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness, they are
now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.
On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. A wise and
watchful wife would would monitor her husband’s activities and watch his
associates indirectly without his knowledge, remembering not to directly
interfere with the affairs of her husband, or to tell them the “do’s” and
the “don’ts”. The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be
treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply.
Some men, some times, come back home later than usual. If this is the
case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable
limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged
in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work.
However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then
his wife should make an effort to investigate. But investigation is not
easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest.
The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly. She should
ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been.
She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and
on different occasions. If she finds out that he comes back home late
because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings,
then she should leave him alone. If she feels that he has found a new
friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a
well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry. It
is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship,
because a good friend is a great blessing.
If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with
corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately. A
woman in this situation has a great responsibility. The slightest
mishandling of the situation, through carelessness. may shatter their
family life. This is a situation where the wisdom and cleverness of some
women can become useful and apparent. One should remember that arguments
are not the solution and they may result in the exact opposite. A woman,
who experiences this event, has two tasks to achieve:
First she should assess the situation at home; and should examine herself
and her attitude. She must find out the reason for her husband’s
behavior. She should fairly judge why he has grown cold towards his
family and gone astray. She may find that her own attitude had been the
cause; or perhaps she had been indifferent to his desires for food, her
looks or the affairs of the house. Such matters draw men away from home.
They may then pursue outside deviant activities in order to forget their
problems.
Secondly, she should show him as much kindness as possible. She should
advise him and remind him of the grim consequences of his deeds. She
should even cry and beg him to give up his bad companions. She must say
to him: “I love you from the bottom of my heart. I am proud of you. I
prefer you to all things and I am ready to devote myself to you. But I am
saddened by one thing; why should a man, like you, have these kinds of
friends; or attend that kind of a party? Such deeds are not suitable for
you. Please give them up”. The wife must continue this attitude until she
conquers the heart of her husband. It is possible that the husband is
used to unworthy habits and that he would not be influenced easily, but
the wife should not become disappointed. She should pursue her goal with
greater strength and patience.
Women have great power and influence over men. She is able to do whatever
she wills if she puts her mind to it. If a woman decides to help save her
husband from the filth of corruption, she can do it, provided she acts
wisely.
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